Ye Olde Gentleperson’s Guide to Writing Online Reviews

To remain a Gentleperson and an Online Book Reviewer is a challenge indeed.

1) Every Gentleperson knows that it is considered bad form to review a book before such time as she has finished reading it. The status update can be the enemy of noble reviewing. Proceed carefully, Gentle Reviewer. Sit with a book a few days before you attempt to proffer an opinion. 

2) A Gentleperson does not refer to an author by first name alone. Last name, or first and last name. It can be a dicey matter to add a Ms., Mrs., or Miss in front of a female writer’s name. Unless the gentleperson has met the writer personally, you cannot know how the writer chooses to refer to herself.

3) If a Gentleperson dislikes a book, it is considered bad manners to refer to everyone who likes said book as “tasteless” or “stupid.”

4) It is worth considering the author’s intent, but you must acknowledge that this is unknowable to you.

5) Someday, Gentle Reviewer, you will encounter a book you don’t like! I feel for you. It should be acknowledged that this is a difficult situation, and you must proceed delicately. Remember when you are reviewing the very bad book that a team of people loved the book and thought it was a good book. The author’s intention was not to write a bad book. 

6) Do not fall in love with the wit of your dislike, the clever spectacle of your hate.

7) Remember you cannot prove “good” or “bad.” You might discuss how a book made you feel. You might discuss literary technique (or lack of it.)  

8) A Gentleperson is always trying to improve his craft. Read professional reviews and collections of literary criticism. Read broadly in the field where you review but also fields beyond that. A Gentleperson reviewer must have a sense of greater context and where a given work exists in the spectrum of other works. 

9) Gentleperson, read deeply, not just quickly. You are not in a contest to read the most books in a year. (Unless you are — in this case, please don’t review books online and best of luck with your contest.)

10) Gentleperson, remember that the author did not likely have a say in a) the jacket, b) the copy and c) much of anything except the words on the pages. Unless you have something really remarkable to say about the matter, resist reviewing the jacket or the copy or the blurbs. Focus on the text.  

11) A healthy skepticism of other people’s opinions is useful. Know what YOU think. Historically, the crowd is mistaken all the time.

12) Authors make choices. You may not always agree with them. This does not make the author a “bad writer.” Like and even love are not synonymous with skill.  

13) That you found a typo does not make a book “badly edited.” Typos happen even in the most fastidiously edited books. Move on. 

14) Remember that authors have goals besides making you like their characters or even their books. You can be improved and fortified by reading books beyond what you like.

15) An author may be delightfully charming online. His books may still be terrible or mediocre. The reverse is also true. Wonderful, beautiful books sometimes come from prickly, unpleasant people.

16) Gentleperson, if you find yourself writing a review that more or less echoes what everyone else has already said about a book, here’s a tip: there is no need for you to write aforementioned review! Provide a link; move on. 

17) One of the hallmarks of an ungentlepersonly review is poor copyediting. A judicious use of Google can spare the Gentleperson the acute embarrassment of having the author’s name and the title of the book spelled incorrectly. If at all possible, try to get the details of the book itself right, too — the character names, places, ages, etc. 

18) The internet is a gift, Gentleperson. The ability to blog is a gift. Above all, the Gentleperson’s goal should be to fill her online space with that which is beautiful, useful, constructive, clever and true. 

(friday nonsense no. 12)

Friday Nonsense No. 11: A Brief and By No Means Comprehensive List of Gabrielle’s Flaws

(in alphabetical order)

Arrogance

Bad social networker (irrational dislike of Facebook)/ bad self-promoter

Commits to things then immediately regrets committing to things

Devotes time to thinking of people who I’m quite sure rarely think of me

Easily flattered

Envy

Frizz

General snobbishness

Holds grudges

Inability to orally synopsize my books when asked

Imagines insults that may or may not have been intended/given

Impatient

Inconsistent e-mailer

Lacks sufficient gratitude

Looks in mirror more than is necessary

Natural facial expression is, or so I’ve been told, hostile

Nosy

Occasional bouts of excessive self-googling

Occasionally begrudges other’s successes

Occasionally spiteful

Over-thinks everything

Pathological avoidance of telephone calls & candid photographs

Slow suitcase packer

Sharper tongued than I mean to be

Suspicious of newfangled things to a fault

Swears a lot

Tendency to imagine that somewhere, everyone else is having a better time than me

Tendency to imagine the worst case scenario all the time

Tendency to turn small problems into large ones

Very small toenail on my baby toe

—-

(Last weekend at the Printers Row Book Festival in Chicago, the marvelous Julie Anne Peters asked me what my flaws were. I believe I failed to answer sufficiently.)

(This could just as well be classified under Wednesday Narcissism, of course.)

friday nonsense, no. 10: my parents’ pre-oscar dinner menu with puns. Having seen The Help, I’m a bit worried about the dessert. Mom and Dad have been making awesomely bad food puns for years.

Hello Fellow Cinemaphiles,

 

Please join us for Pre-Oscar Dinner on Friday, February 25th.

Nominations are:

 

Appetizer: 

Eggstremely good and incredible caviar

 

Entrée:

Scallops are better than War Horse meat

 

Side Dish:

The Descendants ate pineapple and rice

 

Dessert:

Just say no to The Help’s Pie

 

Please let The punny Artist know whether the envelope will say “yes, we’re coming, but no more bad puns please” or “no way”

 

Mom and Dad

Friday Nonsense #2: Who votes for me to go see Breaking Dawn this weekend?

Also, you guys should check out Andrew Futral’s tracks, yo. Tell your friends.

andrewfutral:

allisonweiss:

andrewfutral:

Robin Browne’s AMAZING BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR ME!

I died when I saw this. I DIED.

I STILL can’t get over this!

I need to put this is an amazing location in my home.

LOOK AT THIS!

LOOK!

flavorpill:

Mary Shelley’s hair, on display at the New York Public library. See other locks of literary hair here.

 Oh, that I should some day have my hair on display in a library!

(Dear NYPL, You know I love you above all others. For the record, this is kind of fascinating, but also kind of gross. Especially the part with P.B. Shelley’s skull.)

movieposters:

Weekend at Bernie’s

Created and submitted by Edgar Ascensão

Really captures the existential dilemma of this classic cinema antihero. What is it to be alive? In what ways are we all Bernie — i.e. going through the motions of life, puppeted by some force greater than ourselves?

On a semi-related note, it is annoying that Netflix has Weekend at Bernie’s 2 for streaming but not the original.